Many clients pause when I say this in session:
Love is not about compromising.
Almost immediately, I see the confusion.
“Wait—are you saying relationships shouldn’t involve give-and-take?”
Let me be clear.
I am not saying we should be rigid, self-centred, or insist on getting our way at our partner’s expense.
Healthy relationships absolutely involve flexibility, care, and consideration.
What I am saying is this:
When love is built on compromise, it often quietly accumulates resentment.
And resentment, psychologically speaking, is one of the most corrosive forces in a relationship.
Compromise sounds noble.
Mature, even.
But in many relationships, what people call compromise is actually self-abandonment dressed up as love.
Here’s why it doesn’t work.
Compromise often comes with an unspoken ledger.
It shows up later during arguments as:
“I only did this because you wanted it.”
“I gave up so much for you—what have you done for me?”
Psychologically, this is like a bad debt.
It may stay quiet when things are good,
but it will be collected — with interest —
when the relationship feels unsafe or strained.
What looked like love earlier becomes blame later.
I often hear variations of this:
“But I don’t really have a choice…
Are you saying I shouldn’t go overseas with him when he’s posted abroad for work?
Isn’t that holding him back?”
Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
You have a choice.
You can choose to go overseas because you value this relationship,
because it brings you joy to build a life together,
because this chapter feels meaningful to you.
But when you go thinking:
“I’m sacrificing my life for you because I love you,”
you are not showing love —
you are setting yourself and this relationship up for imbalance.
I sometimes put it very simply in sessions:
Don’t be a hero.
Heroes keep score,
even when they swear they won’t.
Another common thought sounds calmer, but carries the same issue:
“I wasn’t upset.
I just didn’t see the point.
But I was okay doing it — it was for him.”
Not being upset does not mean you have full buy-in.
You don’t have to love the decision as much as your partner does.
You don’t even have to fully agree with it.
But you do need to be able to say, honestly:
“I am choosing this because I want to — not because I should.”
If the choice doesn’t belong to you,
resentment will eventually come knocking.
The shift is subtle, but powerful.
Instead of thinking:
“I’m doing this for him.”
Try:
“I am choosing this for me because…”
That sentence begets honesty.
If you truly love your career and cannot bear the thought of giving up what you’ve built,
then stay.
And then ask a better question —
not “Which one do I sacrifice?” but:
“How do I keep both my relationship and my career alive?”
Love does not require you to shrink your life.
One way I personally detect whether a decision was made with true ownership
is during conflict.
Remember how children argue?
“Give me back the pen I gave you!”
“Return my ball — I’d rather throw it away!”
These moments reveal something important:
They didn’t really want to give it in the first place.
Trisha* (details modified and name changed) once noticed this pattern during an argument with her husband.
She suddenly felt angry about letting him use the car most of the time —
something she previously told herself was “fine since I can always take the train.”
The calculation only appeared when the relationship felt unsafe.
That’s often a sign that the earlier decision was not made from joy,
but from quiet self-denial.
Here’s another way to tell when you’re choosing from joy rather than sacrificing —
even when you “don’t see the point.”
Imagine your child asks for a special bento box 🍱 one day.
He wants an Ultraman-themed lunch.
Eggs shaped into an Ultraman.
Objectively, you know:
An egg is still an egg.🥚
The nutrition is the same.
And yet, many parents will clumsily Google, experiment,
and spend extra time preparing it.
Not because:
it makes logical sense
they have no choice
they are sacrificing their life
But because:
It brings joy to do something that brings joy to someone you love.
Suddenly, the “meaningless” becomes meaningful.
That’s the difference.
Love is not built on who gives up more.
It is built on two people choosing — again and again —
to stay present, honest, and whole.
When you cut free from guilt,
open gently to your own truth,
and connect deeply without keeping score,
resentment has far less room to grow.
If you find yourself recognising these patterns —
doing things out of obligation,
telling yourself you are “fine,”
only to feel resentful later —
you are not failing at love.
You are responding in a very human way
to unmet needs and unspoken truths.
Therapy is not about telling you what to choose,
or pushing you to leave or stay.
It is a space to slow down,
listen inwardly,
and learn how to make decisions with clarity, ownership,
and emotional safety —
both for yourself and for the relationship.
If you would like support exploring this gently,
you are welcome to reach out when you feel ready.
These thoughts come from my own life and my work as a psychologist.
This was shaped with the help of ChatGPT for flow.
All examples are intentionally altered to protect confidentiality.
If something stays with you, trust it.
If not, you can let it go. ⚓